Relationship Strategy

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Responsibilities Give Kids a Sense of Meaning and Importance

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

One of the course assignments is about creating a list of jobs for kids. There are many great ideas generated here because my students, and the kids they work with, are so diverse. In addition to sharing their ideas though, students all describe the advantages of giving kids jobs.

For example:

Describing a kid recovering from surgery, “jobs help him feel like he is participating even if he cannot do any of the games the other kids.”
In a description of a very active kid: “Having a job gives her a purpose and makes her feel special without acting out. I give her little jobs to make her feel responsible.”
Working with students in the garden, I … “create jobs for them to do together. I try to give a few instructions, and assign initial jobs, then step back and watch as they work together to accomplish a task. …working together to solve a problem, kids learn a transferable skill they will need in the future.”
“It is always interesting to see the social dynamics at work when kids set upon a task, and how they modify their actions to best do the work.
“Jobs can be exciting, and get kids moving around, getting some of that energy out in constructive ways. Kids with jobs feel like they have a responsibility which is important I think for them. This then makes them feel motivated, and gives them a feeling of wanting to please.”
_____________________

Lately, I have been reading about what it was like growing up during the Great Depression. One of the things that strike me about descriptions of these very hard times is that because families and the community depended on all their members, people felt a sense of purpose and connection. Each of them was important for the good of the whole. My students’ comments this week reinforce this idea. Give kids responsibilities; help them find ways to help others, in the classroom, at home and in the community. It makes a positive difference (in these very difficult times too) – and, as I like to say, everybody benefits.

What are the jobs that you assign in your classrooms or programs? How do you involve the kids you work with in the community, classroom and program? What jobs work? What did you like to do that made you feel important, or capable or happy?

Submit your comments below. Thanks

Topics: How to Help, Questions, Relationship Strategy | No Comments »

HOW NOT TO TREAT PARENTS

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Friday, April 17th, 2009

This list of tips for how NOT to deal with parents, is a compiled from the lists developed by students taking Making Connections as a credit course. Their thoughts are too good NOT to share.

DON’T
• Tell a parent what you think they did wrong
• Talk to a parent about their child in front of other children or adults
• Fail to return emails or phone calls from a parent in a timely manner
• Have a school wide activity, including family members, and not have translators present.
• Forget to invite a parent to help out in class, help or volunteer in any way.
• Pressure parents to do more than they can i.e.; donations, fundraising, or volunteering.
• Judge a parent without really knowing the whole story, or let your own biases get in the way.
• Make a curriculum totally divorced from the realities of students’ lives (i.e. don’t teach the literary canon to my students!)
• Forget to explain expectations clearly to parents and students
• Forget to tell everyone about any and all resources available to them.
• Give up on calling/emailing a parent
• Forget to translate communication (in as many languages as you can)
• Cater only to the dominant minority; we have a student whose mother only speaks a little-known Pakistani language, and we can’t just give up because we only have a few language translators in the district. We need to make connections in the community and find someone who can help us! (And we did, by the way).
• Assume that because someone is a minority that it means that they will need help with their English or with communication.
• Make breakfast a “kids only” event; invite families, too! This worked at Atkinson Elementary in Portland; families ate breakfast, met staff and teachers, used a lending library. It worked so well, it created a ‘ripple effect’ of parents attending.
• Allow previous experiences with families to influence your thoughts about how they will be in the future. First impressions aren’t everything and remember that every single person has bad days and good days.
• Spend all of your time talking about what the student needs to improve, remember to talk about the things they do well too.
• Listen to negative messages from other teachers etc. about kids or families. Make your own judgments
• Focus on all that may seem negative in the child’s character. Instead add to the conversation the things that the child excels at or enjoys doing.

• Be too pushy
• Let the impressions of others color what you see with your own eyes
• Do most of the talking, instead ask questions and try to learn from families, as well as kids.
• Assume! Always take the time to really find out what is going on for a child and their family.

DON’T ASSUME:
• Parents don’t care.
• All children are the same in manner, learning ability, or perception of things.

• Because a family is a minority that they have no culture capital or comprehension.
• All children work (or don’t work) outside the home.
• All parents’ feel comfortable reporting trouble at home.
• All minority parents will react badly to unfavorable reports about their child.
• A family is a minority that it means that they take pride in or live with their culture. They may have adopted the same lives as thousands of other Americans. Or, they could have been born here and never explored or experienced any type of culture from where their family originated from.
• Minority parents or students are willing, able, or even knowledgeable about what we perceive to be their cultural background. In fact erroneous requests can be seen more as insults than embracing of cultural difference. It is a classic case of “judging others by the color of their skin” when we seek to do just the opposite.

DON’T FORGET:
• Children and their families have lives, ideas and values, too
• Each child comes to school with a different story (and often, a different set of responsibilities.)
• To be respectful in every situation … with parents and children.
• To ask for help.
• That your co-workers have great ideas and can offer a lot of help when you are stuck.
• That all parents want the best for their child.
• Parents have busy lives as well.
• To focus on positive things of the child.

Topics: Creating a Positive, Family Involvement, Relationship Strategy | No Comments »

One way to integrate culturally competent learning activities into your environment

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

Thank you to RP, a current student in the credit course, for this great idea.

We often plan events for the college (where I work with International students) to create opportunities for American students, faculty and staff to meet international students and have exposure to new and different cultures.

In addition, we have started a new initiative to not only expose our students to Americans, faculty and staff, but also to expose international students to each other. Often when they arrive from their home countries they try and find a comfy place and seek out others from their host culture. This especially happens with our Asian students because we have so many living here as residents and attending our colleges. This not only keeps them from making friends outside their host culture, but also hinders their learning of English.

An activity that we just started:

We hold an open house day at each of our campuses to focus on two cultures (in the same room). The last one we had focused on bringing together two groups - Asian (Taiwanese, Japanese) and Middle Eastern (Saudi Arabia and Qatar).

All of these students had tables and could bring food, music, videos, clothing, art work, etc. and offer this to others as a learning tool. This event was held in a huge room and the results were fantastic! Our students and college community raved about this and what a wonderful opportunity it was to visit 4 different countries and their cultures within an hour and a half.

This event even spurred some of our students to talk to each other, when they may have never done so before. It was so rewarding to see a quiet Japanese girl talking to an Arabic male. In most situations, without this type of welcoming environment, that interaction would have never happened.

Topics: Culturally Competent, Relationship Strategy, Things to do | 2 Comments »

How to Reach Out to Kids from Military Families

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Thank you to Rosanne Parry, author of the wonderful book, Heart of a Shepherd, for this article. Her ideas are a perfect way to start off our new administration - simple ways that we can be of help to those who are in service to our country.

Heart of a Shepherd will be available in bookstores everywhere on January 27^th in hard cover, audio book, downloadable audio, and ebook formats.

“As the spouse of a Desert Storm veteran and a one-time teacher in a military accommodation school I have been concerned about the isolation of military families from mainstream society. Most people, although they support the troops, have no idea what a deployment costs a family on the level every day’s quiet needs. It is one reason why I chose a reservist’s family with a deployed parent for my first novel, Heart of a Shepherd. My story is set on a ranch in eastern Oregon and covers one boy’s journey of his father’s deployment. I hope it offers an honest look at what it means to send someone you love to a war. And I hope, as teachers (and mentors), we can find a way to creatively shepherd the children of soldiers through their parent’s deployments and beyond.” Rosanne Parry

To learn more about Rosanne, and her books, visit her website

________________________________________________________________________

This December saw the return of one of the largest deployments of Oregon soldiers we have seen in the last six years of deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan. Military families have seen unprecedented stresses and one of the things that has made the last six years unique is that we have deployed reservists more than ever before and deployed them multiple times. The children of these reservists are not in military accommodation schools on army bases surrounded by a cohort of classmates who are in the same boat. Reservists’ children are in your schools, sometimes the only child in their class with a soldier parent.

Fortunately, there are many things a teacher or mentor can do to support a student during a parent’s deployment. Just the daily structure of the school day and the consistency of working with the same teacher (mentor or even friend) is helpful. Here are some more ideas for helping a child cope with a military deployment.

Acknowledge the soldier’s absence and encourage communication. A simple note or email to the family as soon as you learn of a deployment expressing your support and willingness to help sets you up for success over the coming months.
Be patient with a student’s mood swings. It is extraordinarily stressful to have a parent in combat, and some children feel ambushed by sad and angry feelings that crop up with little warning. Establish ahead of time a secret sign and a place your student can go if he or she needs to scream, cry, tear up all the newspapers in the recycling bin, or just sit quietly and collect their thoughts.
Be sensitive about news coverage. Some families stop reading and watching the news altogether because it is too upsetting. If current events are a part of the curriculum, consider alternate assignments.
Display the flag respectfully in your classroom. It’s a small gesture that means a lot to military families.
Avoid harshly partisan political discussions if you can. Although they are among the strongest supporters of free speech, many military families avoid expressing their political views while their loved ones are serving in a war zone. Political conversations can be quite painful.
Watch for economic distress. There are many unanticipated expenses which go along with deployment: unexpected travel, phone bills, medical bills, and the loss of a reservist’s income. Discretely help the family take advantage of food stamps, WIC, reduced lunch, scholarships and clothes closets.
Adjust the homework load. This student will have many extra chores and less oversight from the remaining parent, so consider shortening the homework, offering tutoring and time to complete work at school or adjusting due dates.
Communicate good news with the deployed parent. Take pictures at school when the student is in the play or spelling bee or science fair. Email a copy of an outstanding essay, a high scoring math test or a work of art. Describe in loving detail a smart, kind or funny thing this student did at school. It means the world to a soldier far from home.
Honor holidays, especially Veterans’ Day and Memorial Day. Invite a veteran from a local veterans organization to address you class. Remind the class why we celebrate these holidays.
Pray. Most military families are people of faith. If you are too, tell you students that you are praying every day for their soldier’s safe return.

One More Idea: Children can be very kind and compassionate, especially if they have a little encouragement. On the kids page of my website there are some ideas for what a child can do to support a friend with a deployed parent.

Topics: Creating a Positive, How to Help, Relationship Strategy | No Comments »

Talking to Kids: How to Create Shared Meaning about Education

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Friday, December 5th, 2008

One thing for sure, it takes a lot of caring and energy to build strong relationships with kids. One of the key elements is simply talking to them. Make the most of the conversations you have by talking about education - but talk to kids in a way that is meaningful to them, and connects to their world view. Try some of these tips:

Encourage kids to talk about their experiences, what they value, and what motivates them.
- Teachers: give students assignments that provide opportunities for them to talk or write about their values and what motivates them.
- Mentors: help students connect their classroom assignments to what is happening in their lives.
Once you know what a kid values and is motivated by, talk about how education can help him or her to reach that goal. Provide real life examples.
Tell kids what education meant to you and your family when you were growing up; ask what it means to them and their families.
Reflect on the concepts you use with in the classroom and in conversations. Take the time to define terms in multiple ways with an emphasis on creating explanations that motivate kids and reflect their worldview.
Ask kids what a word or concept mean to them, how they would use them, and how they would help a family member understand the word or concept.
Establish a climate where young people feel comfortable asking questions for clarification.
- Teachers: an effective way to do this is to ask students to submit questions anonymously. Then take the time to answer each question.
- Mentors: talk to students about the struggles you had learning something and share how asking questions helped you to learn concepts and advance your education.
- Teachers and mentors: ask kids to paraphrase what was said to see if there is shared meaning.
Regard students’ ways of speaking and thinking as resources, not problems. Involve kids in the construction of their own knowledge—help them discover their learning style and needs, provide ways to help them take responsibility for learning experiences, and plan together to set and meet educational goals.
Create opportunities for kids to discuss their goals and aspirations, share what they want to learn about, and find ways the school can help them.
Listen to kids as they discuss ideas together.
Promote candid discussion about topics relevant to kids’ lives, and challenge them to solve real-life problems—stretch students beyond the familiar.
Develop a large “bag of tricks” to get to know your students and families well.

Topics: How to Help, Quality Time, Relationship Strategy | 1 Comment »

Kids need goals

By Shelly Brock | Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

I try to address each of the problems that are individualized to each of my children’s personalities. My daughter has ADHD. She and I work together to create techniques to help her concentrate. For example, when she is listening to a teacher lecture she tends to drift off and not remember what was said, so I taught her to repeat each word being said, in her mind, as they say it. This is an effective trick.

All of my foster kids are dealing with many …issues (covered in the course). For a lot of the problems I have found that giving them a structured environment, cognitive awareness, and positive feedback helps begin the journey of re-socialization.

Many of these kids have never had someone talk to them about a direction in life. It is my opinion that kids need to always have a goal that they want to reach. I’m a firm believer in the saying “idle hands are the devil’s playground.”

I especially believe that kids need to start thinking about the things they want to be when they grow up early in life. I’m not saying they need to know what they really want to be in a definitive form. I’m saying that the seed for being able to see the big picture of life helps them to strive to reach their full potential because they have goals.

I believe a big part of our responsibility to our kids is to teach them all the possibilities in life and give them all the opportunities and tools to explore them. There is a power in positive thinking and it is contagious. When a child knows that you believe they can do or be anything they want to be, then they in turn will know that they can … and they will.

Topics: How to Help, Relationship Strategy | 1 Comment »

Positive Progress May Come in Small Steps

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Thank you to Making Connections student Shelly, for allowing me to post this comment from our class discussion about the importance of a positive attitude when working to build relationships with (challenging and challenged) kids.

I am currently caring for a young boy with whom I have begun to build a solid relationship. He is a very loving child and for the most part well behaved. The problem both his teachers and I (his foster parent) are encountering is that he has an anger control problem. On the surface he does not appear angry but when he is teased or provoked in any way by other children his immediate reaction is to use physical attack to express his emotions of irritation. His teachers and I have focused on teaching him cognitive behavioral skills to help him re-train myself to react differently. We have been working with him for six months now and he is like a new child. The last three months there has been not one incident of anger at school or at home.

When we first began that journey there were days I thought to myself that I could not handle this boy and wondered if I could even help him. In those times I found it helpful to remind myself of even the smallest of victories in this boy’s progress. These attitudes and strategies helped me.

Positive Progress Points to View

Counting the days, moments, or interactions between episodes helps to visually see the progress.
Noticing and responding to non-verbal and verbal signals from the child letting you know hisneeds are fulfilled, for example, he feels safe, comfortable and accepted.
Talking with others who have been in or are in the same or similar situations with children allows you to see that progress is possible and you’re not the only one dealing with such problems.
Talk with teachers, daycare providers, and family about the child’s progress.

Topics: Creating a Positive, How to Help, Relationship Strategy | No Comments »

How to Create a Boy-Friendly School

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

The subject of how boys are struggling in school and in life seems to come up regularly in the media. Two years ago, PBS ran a powerful documentary, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys, which “explores the emotional development of boys in

America today.” It describes American boys as “the most violent in the industrialized world,” and clearly shows that many boys are struggling in school, and unable to express their emotions.

This week, there is an article in Newsweek, Struggling School Aged Boys. Though the medium is different, the message is the same. Many boys, (according to the research) an extraordinary percentage of them, are having emotional or behavioral problems that are affecting their lives, and their ability and willingness to stay in school. Many of the problems are severe enough to cause parents to consult a doctor or health care professional.

As an educator, parent, and citizen of the nation that leads the world in fatherless families, violence and failing boys, I can’t stop thinking about the faces, and the voices of the boys in the film, and the issues and problems of the boys I see and hear about every day. So, the questions keep playing in my head … How can we do a better job of raising our boys? And, what can Oregon educators do to create a boy friendly school - a place where boys feel safe, welcome and able to learn and be themselves?To clarify my thoughts, I contacted Marilyn Brown-Dikeos, whose program Empowered Learning includes strategies that teachers, mentors and parents can use to help boys feel safe and respected in the classroom. She offers the following insights and strategies.

1. Honor the risk of learning. Trying to learn something new can be risky for a boy who is afraid to fail. Help your student’s understand that learning is a process that includes trying, doing, and making mistakes. It is not about achieving perfection. Value a student’s attempts to master a new subject or skill. Celebrate effort and recognize even small accomplishments along the way.

2. Provide safe entry points to learning. Group learning and project based activities offer multiple entry points for students. The ability to choose a role or task which will allow him to work from his strength may help a boy feel confident enough to enter into an activity.

3. Allow students to self-evaluate. Many boys struggle in school because success and failure are tied up with their sense of themselves. A boy who gets a bad grade or fails a test is likely to feel stupid and embarrassed in front of his classmates. Rather than risk failing again, some boys simply stop trying. One way to work around this is to allow students to grade themselves according to the criteria you set. When they turn in a paper ask, “What grade do you think you earned?” Allow them to tell you how they might have done better. Remind a boy that understanding how to do better next time shows that he is learning.

4. Treat them with respect and kindness. Just because boys don’t show their emotions, we tend to treat them as if they aren’t there. In fact, research shows that boys are even more sensitive and more eager to please than girls. Treat them as if they are fragile. They are.

5. Provide opportunities for boys to talk about their feelings – through sports or chess or other games. Boys need to be reassured that their inner lives are NOT shameful, that play violence is not violence. Use their violent games and fantasies as a starting point for conversation or story writing.

6. Boys need to move around. Recess time is being eliminated as school days are shortened. Try to find ways to build action and motion into your activities and schedule.

7. Boys need to feel safe. They need an adult to talk to about bullies, fear, humiliation and their need to be protected. They also need an adult to show them that men are caring, compassionate and kind.

8. Offer opportunities for boys to resolve their own conflicts. Conflict resolution takes communication skills, the ability to listen, willingness to compromise, and often, creativity. It can help boys reflect on their actions, and see them from someone else’s point of view. Best of all, the ability to resolve a conflict without rage and aggression can result in friendship, something that no boy can succeed without. Related Resources: For more information about this subject, help for parents, and classroom ideas, visit the following websites

Raising Cain: Boys in Focus

http://www.pbs.org/opb/raisingcain/

The PBS Parents Guide to Understanding and Raising Boys

http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/index.html

Boys in School

How to help boys adjust to school and schools adjust to boys.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/school.html

Buy the Program

Raising Cain (DVD)

http://www.shoppbs.org/product/index.jsp?productId=2175911

Topics: Boy Friendly Schools, Creating a Positive, How to Help, RESOURCES, Relationship Strategy | 1 Comment »

A Story with Two Edges

By Tobi Kibel Piatek | Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

One school, two boys, two knives. Two totally different stories.

Someone told me this story, about what happened at their school. First, a teacher overheard a classmate ask a 5^th grader – mouth the question actually, “does anyone know you brought a knife?” This happened in the office. The boy was aghast; the teacher who witnessed the interchange, the principal, the school admin were shocked. Everyone reacted - with shock, and horror, but also with attention and caring. They brought him into the office, they confiscated his knife. They talked to him. They asked why he carried the knife – “Is it for protection? Are you scared of someone else?”

As it turned out, this was a boy with a pocket knife “too nice” to leave at home; too cool not to show his friends. This knife was just small enough, he was told, that he would not have to be arrested. Just a little bit bigger and the rules say they would have to call the police.

This was not an angry or scared boy – just a boy who did something against the school rules. He has reprimanded and put on “house arrest” in the office. Other than the fact that he had to do math, he was treated fairly and kindly.

He cried and cried. He said he is sorry.

Next day, another boy. Another knife, bigger and scarier. Another attitude – angry and violent. Another outcome, involving police and handcuffs. In an elementary school.

It is always my hope to paint a positive picture, to focus on good practice, good results and stories and strategies that encourage more of the same.

But, the reality of schools today has a way of fogging my rose colored glasses. Negative things do happen in school, nasty and unpleasant things. We read about the big ones in the paper, but everyday, teachers, and administrators, and mentors – anyone who work with kids in all kinds of ways, react to kids’ behaviors – negative, positive, in between. As educators and mentors, we all need a sixth sense that will help us to judge behaviors, motivations and, correct responses. We all need to know how to react to situations, because the way we react to in any circumstance can not only make a difference in the outcome – but can change the path of a life.

This story of two knives illustrates how one act – described with the same words, a kid brought a knife to school, can result in such very different stories.

MY QUESTIONS: As teachers or mentors, do you receive any training about how to react in difficult situations? Are you taught to discipline students? Are you taught to defuse situations? Who trains you? Are school rules consistent across the state, or do they vary by district?

Topics: Questions, Relationship Strategy | No Comments »

How to make a difference

By Lisa Pfister | Wednesday, May 28th, 2008

Shannon was new to our school this year. She had attended her previous school for grades K-4^th. Her two teachers described her as sometimes out-going, and sometimes moody. They saw her as a student with a “chip on her shoulder”. Shannon was often in my office due to problems with her peers. She would never “tell” on her friends, and would take the blame for any offense. She would always tell me, “I’m not ratting my friends out.” I contacted the school counselor of her previous school. The counselor said they also saw the same behaviors and worked hard on helping Shannon overcome these behaviors. They saw her as a student with low self-esteem and looked for ways that she could be successful in their school.

I had a break through with Shannon when she was once again sent to my office due to problems with her peers. She came with a very defiant attitude, her body was stiff and angry, and she did not want to talk. I started talking to her very softly and gently. I told her that it must be really hard to come to a new school and have to make new friends all over again. I told her that I wondered why she chose these specific students to be her “friends “. I let her know that by choosing friends that make poor choices she was putting herself in a difficult position, and didn’t she think she deserved better? Or, does she believe that if she doesn’t “hang out” with these students then she would not have any friends at all? By this time Shannon was tearing up. Shannon then told me, “It’s better to have bad friends then no friends at all.” This let me know that Shannon does not think very highly of herself and takes whatever comes her way. I let Shannon know that we could work together to help her find friends that would appreciate who she is. I even let her know that if she was out on recess with her “friends” , and they were making poor choices, then she could come to my office and I would help her find other outlets to pursue in school. I let her know that we have a wonderful kindergarten teacher who would like her help in her class. Shannon told me she felt she was a poor student and couldn’t help others. I let her know that kinders love when the big kids come to their classes to help out and that she could also read with them. I also told her about a girls group that I run at school. It is for girls who want to form new and more appropriate friendships with other girls their age. Shannon told me she would think about this and get back to me.

A week later, Shannon came in from recess and asked if she could still volunteer in the kindergarten class. I told her that this job was still open if she wanted it. She also wanted to join the girls group. I talked with Shannon’s teachers, and the kindergarten teacher to set up arrangements for her to volunteer. Shannon goes three times a week, during her lunch recess, to work with the kindergarten students. This has been happening for three months now. The teacher said that at first Shannon was very untrusting of the teacher, but as she got to know her, became quite a joy to work with. Shannon has also befriended two girls from the girls group and “hangs out” with them outside of school. I have also spoken with her two teachers about setting up an evaluation for a possible learning disability. I learned that Shannon has great difficulty in reading and articulating her thoughts. Her prior school evaluated her for these three years ago and she almost qualified. We feel that if we test her first thing in the fall that she will most likely qualify. Shannon’s mom has also been in the loop of all decisions made regarding her daughter. Mom says she has noticed positive changes in her daughter. She says she laughs more and does not get as “difficult” as in the past.

One year down, one more to go!

Topics: Relationship Strategy, Resources for Teacher | No Comments »

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